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All of the cross stitch on my blog is copyrighted, and the designer is listed next to the pic. Please do not ask me to share charts, as I will not do so under any circumstances. All pics of my work and text, unless otherwise stated, are copyrighted by me and cannot be used in any other written or pictorial form without my written consent. Thank you.

Friday, June 15, 2012

I'm being tortured. Really.

     Multiply just ate my whole blog entry.  It was my own fault.  I accidentally went to another page, and I lost it all, Wahhhhhhh...  Maybe it's just not my night, lol.  I'm gonna start with some other things, and leave my torture for last this time.  Maybe it will be better luck, lol.  (Yes, I know you're all dying of curiosity.  Suffer, lol.)  You can always skip to the end, then read up!
     As many of you remember,  I have bipolar disorder.  I'm gonna talk for a few minutes about that, very candidly.  If you're not interested in my disease, skip it.  It's not like anyone will know, lol.  Okay, bipolar.  Think PMS times a thousand.  Moody, irritable, unable to concentrate on anything for more than a few minues, wild mood swings, speed brain (you don't have enough time to get one sentence out before you're saying something else on a totally different subject.  Conversations are wild and wooley, because in the middle of a sentence about what you got at the grocery store, you have to say that you appreciate you dad coaching your soccer team as a child), and some other symptoms I don't wanna get into.  I've had problems all my life.  I've struggled and struggled to be what I wanted, failing time after time after time after time.  I had no friends till high school.  There was another outcast in grade school, but she and I just hung on the playground.  She was, um, permissive.  She smoked, drank, and screwed around in the eighth grade.  I wasn't interested in falling into that trap, so I stayed out of it.  We were just friends (if you want to call it that) at school.  We didn't have a lot in common, but still, we weren't totally alone either.  I was teased, and bullied, and I was just plain weird.  (In a lot of ways, I still feel like that misfit child that didn't fit in anywhere.  But I have friends now, good ones, so I don't totally feel like that.)  I've been on lots of different drugs for the bipolar.  Depakote (a HONKING dose that did very little for me).  Abilify, which helped with the mood swings but made the ADD worse.  On that, I had a twenty minute attention span.  No shit.  Couldn't finish anything.  Had to switch from one activity to another constantly.  Then, about a year ago, Dr. Neibur tried the right cocktail of drugs.  Geodon for the mood swings and speedy brain (it's an anti-psychotic and it slows my brain down to normal speed) and Effexor for my antidepressant.  It's off label use is AADD (which I've been tagged with also).  And all of a sudden, hallelujah, I could think!!!  I'm a totally different person on the meds.  I can hold a conversation.  I can think a thought without hurrying on to the next one.  I can function fairly normally.  I've honestly been waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I've been waiting to have an allergic reaction or find out it's damaging my liver or something awful.  It hasn't happened.  So now I'm a high functioning idiot.  (I don't say that in a bad way.  I just haven't been trained at anything.)  I have very few marketable job skills.  And I have a hunger to do something with my life, besides waste it.  I want to work for my income.  I want to feel like I'm useful, like I have a purpose.  I want to be responsible for myself, pay my own bills, and not have to worry about whether Social Security is gonna fail.  I'm tired of being on the public dole, and NOW I can do something about it.  Finally, I've decided that I'm not the type of person that can exist this way.  I like to have all the stitching time, but I'd rather work.  So I've been researching degree programs at the local colleges.  I have earmarked several for further study.  I need to see if I can harness my exceptional brain power, and get it right this time.  (IQ is 142, which is in the genius range.  I'm not just bragging about exceptional.  I'm really smart, which got me through high school.  I could never organize my thoughts, so I did poorly.  But I have an almost eiditic memory.  I read it once, and usually I remember it.  With the exception of dates.  So now I need to see if I can harness that ability and put it to work for me.)  So these are the degree programs I'm looking at.  (Yes, as a matter of fact, I DO consider my computer a toy.)  University of Cincinnati ~ Computer Support Technology, Computer Systems Support Technology, or Infomation Technology.  Cincinnati State ~  PC Support and Administration, Business Information Systems Technology, Network Administration Technology, and possibly Computer Repair Certificate.  The last isn't a degree, but I have to look at all the options.  It's not tops on my list.  It's actually last.  But I'm looking at everything that encompasses what I want to do.  I have a sort of sixth sense about electronics.  When my computer (for whatever reason) stopped popping up the autoplay window when I plugged my camera in, I opened up Computer and Pictures.  I made a new folder in Pictures (right click, go to new, click folder, easy peasy) and opened up my camera's memory card in the computer window.  I highlighted all the pics, and dragged and dropped into the new folder.  No problem.  Never had training, just wondered if it would work.  I was pleased when it did.  I'm not great at problem solving, but I have good instincts.  I can do most things without help, and I'm mostly self taught.  Generally, I get a new program and start right clicking it to see what the options are.  That's how I learned to save an image from the web to my computer.  Right click gives you the option to Save Image As...  It will be hard for me at first, I'm sure.  I'm used to having all the time I need to do what needs to be done.  I know I won't be blogging (or reading or stitching or playing) as much either.  But it's worth it to me to feel like I'm doing something useful.  Paying my bills and paying my taxes and doing what needs to be done.  So now I need to go through the curriculum and see what classes go with what programs.  I may even decide to take some electives.  I would love to learn Spanish and Physics.  I did great in Calculus my first semester in college.  (I was manic the whole time, but I did great.)  So we'll see how things go.  I will, of course, keep you all updated on my search for meaning.
     And now the quick piccy I have.  It's pitiful.  I hardly got anything done on my ornie Wed. 

 I took it with me to the doc's office, and that's where the torture started.  I've been having this problem with my arm.  I don't think I mentioned it yet.  Numbness and tingling on the bottom of my arm, in almost a straight line from the elbow to the wrist on the underside only.  No problems with the top half of my lower arm.  It's contained to a very small area.  And then at the top of my arm at the same time, there's a pain on the outside of my arm.  It's about two inches down from my shoulder.  It hurts, not bad, but enough so I notice it.  For someone with a high tolerance for pain, that's a bad thing.  So I went in to see her.  Without tests, she's guessing tendonitis.  She asked me to stop stitching for a week, y'all.  I must have looked horrified, cause she immediately changed it to three days, lol.  So I can't stitch till Saturday.  Which just throws my rotation all off.  I'll never make goal now.  And it's making it worse, so I suspect it's the computer that's making it hurt.  I can't remember it ever hurting when I stitched, but if it is the PC, then I'm in trouble.  All my friends are in there, except Julie.  I talk to her on the phone.  But Rosa and I usually talk on msgr, and the rest of my friends are through emails and blogs.  We'll see what she says when I go back in.  She's also got me on Naproxen, an anti-inflammatory, twice a day.  Hopefully it will help it.  I'm afraid of a pinched nerve in my shoulder or neck.  My neck has always been bad, but Medicare doesn't cover chiropractic.  So I'm just SOL.  So I'll definitely be picking up my needle and thread on Saturday.  It's been hell not being able to stitch!!!  I keep wanting to.  I've taken Yes Dear out on the balcony to read a couple of times, just so she gets some outside time.  (Yesterday, she saw two raccoons, and had no idea if they were another animal or what.  Her little head cocked over to the side, and she watched with rapt attention.  It was too funny.)  I keep telling myself the only reason I want to stitch so bad is because I can't, lol.  It's not helping!!!!
     And some more torture.  This time inflicted by Julie and MY MOM (of all people).  As I told you earlier, Julie started a secret project for me.  It's been revealed by Rosa.  (And I think Julie may still be mad about that.)  I was thrilled to hear it.  And of course, I wanted to be a part of it.  I don't know, I just do.  So I emailed the lady that had the quilt squares, and we finally got together and I gave her my address.  (I don't mean we got together irl, I mean in cyberspace.)  She told me she would email me when she sent it, and she emailed me yesterday.  So I got it today.  I promised Julie I wouldn't look at it till it's all made up.  So I took it over to mom's house today.  Since she didn't have to work, she was there to open it.  She opened it and found three bags of things.  One bag was squares for my quilt, one bag was squares for Yes Dear's quilt (that made me squee), and one bag was the unfinished centerpiece.  I told everyone that I would do some work on the centerpiece, and then give it to Julie to finish, since she wants to work on it.  So mom's in her sewing room, and I'm around the corner (NOT PEEKING), and what do I hear?  "Awwwwww, how cute is this...  Ooooooooh, that's darling..."  I was like, REALLY???  If I can't see it, I don't wanna hear how cute it is, lol.  It was awful.  I wanted to see soooooooo bad (and you know how I am about curiosity), and I promised!!!  Awful.  Just awful.  I told mom to put them away, and hide them from me.  She will, I'm sure.  So I have the centerpiece, and the design (designed by my good friend, Vicki (India's mom, Vicki)).  I hope to work on it on Weds.  I think I'm gonna finish my ornie next Wed, and then I'll work on this for a couple of months.  We'll see how much I get done.  Since it's the globe, there is a LOT of blue in it.  I love the shade though, so it shouldn't bother me.  I told Julie I would do the blue, and leave the interesting stuff (the continents) for her.  I don't mind doing so much of one color.  So yay that I have it.  Whoo hoo!!!
     And lastly, I want to leave you with a piccy of my darling.  She had moved the pillow out of her way (because she can, lol) and was sleeping on the couch. 

 Isn't she just a cutie!!  Have a good night all, I'm off to bed.  Thanks for all the comments, and followings and all that good stuff.  Your support means the world to me.  Good night!!

9 comments:

Mouse said...

cooooo I made it to the end .... glad you have got something that works now .... and way to go on the determination to get a degree etc ... good luck with it all :)
and sorry about the arm ... know the feeling been and seen and had that ....and awwwww re the quilt thing ... hope you get to peak soon ..lol
take care :) love mouse xxxxx

Doris Campos said...

oh i am so happy that you want to get a degree!!! acquiring knowledge is always positive, always brings good things, enriches life.

Kaisievic said...

Woo hoo! Great post - thanks for being so candid and good luck on choosing a course. What a wonderful thing to do. I hope that the tendonitis heals soon - must be frustrating. Yes Dear, is gorgeous as always.

Chris said...

Hey Julie,
I am so glad that you are in a place where you can go forward with a degree program. I work in a behavioral health pharmacy that deals with patients without insurance and I order all those drugs for those patients all the time.
Wonderful stitching.
Have a great weekend.

Momma Sunshine~~ said...

Yay for going for a degree. Yes Dear is so cute and chill! I love the progress on your project too!

Jo who can't think of a clever nickname said...

Good for you, sorting out your meds and your future plans.

Computing sounds like the perfect job for you. I thought about suggesting a voice activated computer to save your arms and hands but I can just imagine the length of posts if all you had to do was speak LOL!

I've tagged you for "11 Things" on my blog, but please don't feel obligated to join in.

mdgtjulie said...

Glad you made it Mouse. And thanks. I know several people have gone through it, and it seems that they've all had to have surgery or something. Makes me nervous. (I hope so too!!!) I think so too, Doris. I like to learn too, so that should make it an even better thing. Thanks Kaye, for so many reasons. (I like that you put as always in there, lol. Made me smile!!) Bet that's a cool job to work in. Being able to help people would be awesome. I'm hoping to get a tech support job. I like to be helpful. Thanks Sunny. There isn't much of it. Only about twenty stitches at most. Jo, Rosa and I just had a really great belly laugh over your comment. I just had to share it with her, cause it's too funny not to share. I'll definitely look at the eleven things blog. If I can, I'll participate. I love those sorts of things.

SoCal Debbie said...

That sure was a long post, but I made it to the end! I know several people who are bipolar. I'm so glad you found the right combo of meds that work for you. Good luck in your studies!

It sounds like you'll have a good time stitching the blue part of your surprise gift. I hope you don't accidentally see parts of your gift before it's all done!

mdgtjulie said...

LOL, Debbie, I'm sure I won't. My mom will help me to not see them!!! And thanks. I'm both exalted and terrified at the prospect of going back to school. Scary stuff, that!!